November 20th, 2018 – National Children’s Day, I am celebrating today even though I do not have children of my own.
I am celebrating, enjoying & loving the children I do have in my life.
4 very special and ever important Godchildren.
The angel who made me a Godmother, Raelin. The angel who was my first Godson, Gregory & my 2 sibling angels, Quinn & Jake. And of course I can not forget the first angel to make me an auntie, Ryder.
Since realizing we couldn’t have children the traditional way I joined several infertility support groups on Facebook. Being from a small community there are obviously limited resources for support, none to be exact. I needed someone who could relate on the same level & understood exactly what we were going through.
I quickly realized that the demons some couples are fighting are far beyond what Chris & I are battling. While we are facing the exact same reality we have developed coping skills that some couples clearly only dream of.
On Halloween I read post after post of women and men alike hating the holiday. Some women turned their lights off and went to bed to avoid the ghosts, goblins & princesses knocking on their door. My heart immediately sank and broke for those women & men alike. As devastating as this rollercoaster is I could never fathom being so bitter. I could never imagine not opening my door, my home & my heart to an innocent child. The fate I have been dealt should not be reflected onto precious children.
Through this whole ordeal the highlight of my life has been being a Godmother. At this point it’s the closest thing I have to being a mother & it means the absolute world to me. It’s and honour to hold this title.
Nothing makes me happier than hearing “Auntie Stef” and seeing Ryder & Raelin come running, or hearing a little knock on my front door from Quinn asking me to come out & play.
As much as my heart hurts at times knowing I may never hear a little mouth call me mommy, my heart explodes knowing I have a role to play in the upbringing of these kids. No, they may not be calling us mom and dad, but they call us Auntie & Uncle and we hold that dear to our hearts. They are so important to us. They are everything to us.
We chose a long time ago not to let our infertility define us & make us bitter. I cannot allow myself to become one of those people who gives up going to baby showers completely, I cannot allow myself to become the person who cringes every time she sees a pregnancy announcement, I cannot allow myself to become the woman who allows the infertility to run her life & become overwhelmed with grief.
The worse thing in my life right now is infertility. I live with that everyday, I push past it everyday & my heart breaks for those like us who haven’t figured out how to cope yet.
The greatest thing in my life right now is being a Godmother & I will not allow that to be ruined by our infertility. I cherish every moment I get to spend with the 5 most important kids in our lives. I cherish each moment that I get to be auntie and do the things mom and dad won’t allow
My life is not currently what I had pictured 4 years ago when we decided to start trying to have a baby, but it’s pretty darn good & I am so thankful.