1 Corinthians 13:13 ” & now these three remain: Faith, Hope & Love, but the greatest of these is love.”
The final verse of a passage frequently read at weddings, a passage read at my own wedding, but so pertinent & beautifully applicable in so many different ways.
Faith, Hope & Love
3 words I try to apply to my everyday life, but even more so in times of despair. Let me tell you how I have clung to all three throughout this journey.
December 2017 – we trotted off to St. John’s with my mom & dad for our 5th try at IUI. I had spent the previous 10 days pumping myself full of medication, Chris injecting me with hormones, in preparation for the procedure. It was the first time we had introduced injectable medications into our routine after 4 previously failed IUIs. We sat in the waiting room anxiously waiting to be called in for the ultrasound that would ultimately tell us how many follicles were present & if my body was ready for potential implantation. Always the most nerve wracking part of the procedure as we sat there wondering and I thinking “I hope there isn’t too many follicles.” “I hope I’m ready.” “I hope they don’t tell me it’s a no go.” We thought for sure the injectables were the missing piece & this would finally be the one that worked. I lay on the table, Chris holding my hand as he always did, being poked and prodded once again, when the doctor hemmed and hahed and asked, “How old are you?” This was the first time she has asked this, I had no idea why & was feeling quite nervous over her reaction. I quietly responded “27” to which she replied “Unfortunately, your body loved the new medication we added this cycle. You have 4 large follicles present & the risk of multiples is too high and given your age you still have lots of time, so we will not be proceeding.”
Ummm… isn’t that the point of all this to have more follicles & increase our chances? Oh boy. We walked out of the clinic feeling absolutely defeated. We sat in the truck & for the first time I watched Chris cry as we tried to understand why this was happening. God had already told us we would have a child, so why was he allowing this to happen to us? I finally mustered up the courage & said, “Chris, He has never left us no forsaken us, so there is a reason we are here right now. Obviously, right now we don’t understand why, but maybe this is the month it happens naturally.” We pulled ourselves together, broke the news to my parents who were unbelievably encouraging & we enjoyed a few days in St. John’s.
That same night we went to the mall. I was browsing at a small kiosk filled with beautiful ornaments when I spotted 2 snowmen, expecting parents. I looked at Chris & told him I needed to have it. I had faith in God & at some point during Christmas we were going to use this ornament to announce our pregnancy because we serve a mighty God & he didn’t bring us this far to let us down. I had faith to move mountains that we were going to be pregnant without the IUI.
Christmas came & Christmas went with no pregnancy to announce. The decorations were packed away, the tree was taken down. I tossed the ornament in a Rubbermaid container once again feeling defeated & trying not to question God. I kept it in the bubble wrap it came in and thought maybe next year we’ll get to use it as I had intended. Maybe next year we’ll be sitting around our Christmas tree holding a baby and I’ll have a beautiful story to tell my baby about the faith I had in God & how He provided me with a true miracle. Without my faith & hope in God I am absolutely nothing. We were hopeful for 2018 that it would be the year we would be blessed.
Despite the defeat I felt I knew I had to continue to be hopeful. I knew I had to continue to have faith in God because I knew deep down in my soul that if I lost my faith & hope I would be in trouble. I knew the resiliency I had, the strength I had would slowly diminish until it disappeared if I let God slip away. I am positive that at least one person will read this and think what kind of God does she think she serves? If her God was real they would have their baby now. Let me remind you that if God wasn’t carrying us through this we likely wouldn’t still be married, we would likely be depressed, we would likely be falling to pieces and stuck in a darkness, but we aren’t & I firmly believe I owe that to Him.
Christmas 2018 arrived & still no end in sight. I dug out all our decorations and began to brighten our home for the season again. I opened the Rubbermaid container containing the ornament. I pulled it out, looked at it, scoffed, threw it back in the tub again & walked away resentful.
In December one of my best friends confided in me that she was expecting her first beautiful blessing ♥️. My heart immediately overflowed with joy & love for her & her new husband. The moment she told me I knew the ornament I had bought the year before now belonged to her. It was useless to me, but was perfect for her. The resentment I was feeling for my own situation was immediately washed away as my love for this new baby that was about to become a part of our lives filled my heart.
2019 arrived & the first month has disappeared already & we still are not pregnant. I am reminding myself daily that I have so much to be thankful for. I have so many to love & so many who love me. We will falter & we will fail, but we still have Faith, Hope & Love to get us through because our journey is not over yet ♥️.